Sometimes I wish I was a Superhero

September 16, 2016

Today, I left the Bookstore in tears. Yes as Rusty walked me out I started tearing up because I just feel a little helpless. I just feel like I have no idea what I am doing or how to do it. Honestly I am just trying to figure out how to run my own business and somedays I just get super discouraged. I have no idea how to market myself, how to grow a business, or even take a good picture for social media. Bah, it's just frustrating. And yes, I'm not superhuman and can't miraculously ignore those feelings and always stand up tall and say it's okay. UGH. Somedays I just want life to be easier. I simply wish I had someone standing by my side telling me what to do, when to do it, and how to get it done. Somedays I just want to give up and take the easier path. I have been working on my business for 9 months now and I still feel like a baby in the field. I want to grow it and integrate healthy eating habits, but I don't know how to build that audience. On top of that I'm just want to make a little more money, so I can invest to help my business grow and just be able to update a few simple things in life like buy a new pair of running shorts that are not 6 years old. Somedays I just wish we had a little more flexibility to buy that inexpensive little table we found so we can have more people over for dinner. Sometimes I wish I had a more significant and steady income so we didn't have to worry about life. Sometimes I just wish we could live just a little more comfortably. And yes, sometimes I wish I knew what I was doing and could be more successful. 

Yes, I have feelings and sometimes I feeling crappy. Sometimes I don't feel good about myself or what I'm doing. I get discouraged and frustrated. 

And sometimes I don't always look on the brighter side. 

I am human. 

I know life could always be worse. I know I could always have less. I know God is faithful and he is providing. I get that, but that doesn't mean I still don't get discouraged. For years, I've always told myself suck it up, your life is good, don't complain. 

My life is good. I don't want to complain, honestly I'm not complaining, I'm just expressing how I feel in the moment. Discouraged, defeated, frustrated and I wish it was easier. Is that wrong? For some reason I think it's normal. 

For some reason, I think it's wrong for me to just stuff down those feelings and pretend everything is perfect. 

I'M SO OVER THAT! 

For years I stuffed my feelings because that's what I thought humility was. Just ignoring my feelings because it could always be worse. Yes, it could be. But we still feel. It's not like we're immune from feelings just because we have a better living condition. Now, how you act on those feelings is another thing entirely, but those feelings are real. I'm not perfect and I don't feel perfectly. Someone asked me the other day, "Is it true that you get sick a lot more when you put on that 'Everything is great front?'" Yes in fact, I was sick a lot in college and it was awful. I was tired and felt like I was going to explode. 

So here's the deal. I know my God is good. I trust in him. I know he has me here in this season for a reason. I know perseverance is good for me. I know with time I will learn more about my business. I know my identity is found in Christ and not what I do. But this morning was still hard. I still want more people to buy into my business. I want people to jump on board with my healthy eating challenge. I want to learn more on how to even run a business and market myself. Somedays I do want to give up. Sometimes I don't like the risks I have to take. Sometimes I wish I had more help and more money. It's true. I'm human. I'm real. 

Jo ButlerComment